Mentoring Gone Bad

As we discussed a few months ago, mentoring is an important part of your employees’ development. It not only prepares the next generation of leaders who will follow you but also encourages the creation of new ideas and knowledge and methods in your workplace today. But it is only useful if you do it right. Not everyone does.

One problem with the mentor-mentee relationship (my spellcheck tells me “mentee” is not a word but really, don’t you think it should be?) occurs when the mentor simply does not have the skills to be a mentor. Let’s face it, not everyone has the social skills for good, one-on-one interaction. Mentoring takes patience, good communication skills, and an ability to see things from someone else’s perspective while helping them see things from yours. It is not uncommon for new leaders (and, unfortunately, plenty of old ones) to not have developed these skills yet. If you are new to the leadership game, maybe you should develop any skills you are missing before you worry about mentoring an individual.

A lot of people who would otherwise be good mentors simply do not have the time. You want successful people to be mentors, but one reason they are successful is they already work hard and may not be able to devote the time to a personalized relationship. If you cannot, or know that you will not, make the time, do not take on a mentee. While they are waiting around for you to get to them, they could be getting guidance from someone else.

Bad chemistry is an unfortunate problem. Sometimes a relationship does not work out, not really because of anyone’s fault, but because two people simply do not click. If that is the case, look around for a suitable replacement, talk to that person, and if it will work out, suggest to your mentee that they might gain more from this other person. Friction in your relationship with your mentee will obscure any good advice you could be giving them.

Sometimes you get paired with someone with whom you have little in common: you are a copywriter, they are a graphic designer; you are straight and single, they are gay and in a relationship; you prefer Downton Abbey while they are waiting for the next episode of The Walking Dead. It could simply be that you have nothing either professionally or personally in common, so it is hard for you to understand their life and for them to understand yours. Once again, a replacement might be a good idea. It is true that a mentor from a different part of the organization and a different specialty can offer a one perspective, but it really helps if there is something in common as a basis for the relationship.

Mentoring someone who reports directly to you, or over whom you have some authority, is tricky. Part of mentoring is encouraging them to take risks and try new things, and if you are the one who writes their performance report or adjusts their salary, they might be hesitant (and when you address those issues, you might factor in things that you would not have seen if you had not been their mentor). The best thing is to mentor someone outside your direct authority. That is tougher in a small organization, but important if you can do it.

Lastly — and I cannot stress this enough — do not try to date your mentee. Seriously. Bad things will come of it.

If you know the relationship with your mentee is not working, cut the cord. Find them another mentor who can help them and is appropriate for them, and then either find yourself another mentee or step back from the mentoring business for a while. Sometimes, the circumstances are such that this particular relationship is not a good one. And sometimes, you are just bad at it.

Of course, if you are a bad mentor, you probably should be asking yourself what you are doing in a leadership position in the first place.